I was feeling rotten. Feeling like a rotten mother, a rotten wife. I was feeling rotten inside.
I haven’t felt this bad in ages. I went into the bathroom and cried my face off. Looked in the mirror and felt I just wanted to die. Couldn’t bear the pain. I was hurting so much. Couldn’t blame anyone for my pain. Couldn’t eat my pain away. Couldn’t sit at the computer and drown my pain. I just had to feel it and it hurt so badly. With a bunch of tissues in hand, I crawled under my blanket and sobbed some more. I just wanted to stop hurting. And the only way I could think of was by dying.
And so I said Shema Yisrael…
First I sincerely forgave anybody who could have hurt me. Then I asked my forgiveness from God for what I have done…
I covered my eyes, tried to connect to God. I knew, at that moment, that it was only me and Him. I felt connected.
Until I disconnected. It was too strong, too intense. I said the rest of Shema without any feeling at all.
But I wanted that connection. I gathered my courage and tried again. When I got to “beyadecha” – “in your hands” – it just clicked.
God, I am giving you my very soul. For this short time, I’m dying, truly dying inside.
But I know you’ll take care of this soul of mine… I know you’ll recharge it so that I have strength to serve You tomorrow!
Today, I may not have done my best, or been my best.
Today, I feel like a failure.
Today, I am hurting.
Today, I did things I promised myself I’d never do.
Today, I felt helpless.
But, today I also know that tomorrow is another day.
Today I also know that tomorrow I will wake up recharged. I will get a new soul, with new strengths!
And when I realized this truth, I received the strength to say the two words that are so hard for me to say to my husband. I said, “I’m sorry.”
And I got the strength to allow myself to be vulnerable and accept a hug from my husband and cry some more.
JUST FOR TODAY…
I really am doing my best.
I will forgive myself for my mistakes.
I will also notice that I really only had one bad hour and not a whole day.
I will give myself the opportunity to learn and grow.
I will open my heart.
I will accept love.
I will give love.
JUST FOR TODAY…
I trust that God gives me life and gives me strength to live.
Thank you, God, for this moment! Thank you, God, for people that care!
